Today I'd like to share a fun little short play I wrote that's a take on Sleeping Beauty. I initially wrote it for Passages, a short play collection put on by Theatre Unleashed. In fact, if you want to see a promo for Passages, you can watch that here, which included a few clips from Good Morning Princess. Hope you enjoy!
Good Morning Princess
By Brandie June
Briar Rose: A sweet princess of 30, well, 130 years old.
Prince: A dashing young ‘prince’ in his early twenties.
Setting: 1355. The very old and very dusty bedchamber of Briar Rose. There are thorny roses growing in cracks and Princess Briar Rose lies asleep on the bed.
At Rise: Briar Rose is asleep on the bed. She occasionally stirs, and is about to wake.
Prince rushes in. Sprays breathe freshener in his mouth. Leans over to kiss Briar Rose, but gags on her bad breath. Opens her mouth and sprays some mint in her mouth.
PRINCE
(Turning away from Briar Rose, practicing to himself)
Good day, sweet Princess, I have awoken you from your long slumber. No… Good morrow my love, I have saved you from this endless darkness. Naw, that’s not right. Awaken fair maiden. (Goes over to one of the rose bushes and plucks a flower.) A rose for my rose.
(Meanwhile, Briar Rose is waking up. She starts to sit up at the same moment the Prince turns back to her and plants a huge, possibly slobbery kiss on her mouth.)
Yo babe, time to get up!
BRIAR ROSE
Excuse me?!? How dare you kiss me!
PRINCE
But your highness, I was merely waking you from your spell. You were cursed to sleep a hundred years, and I have awoken you with a kiss.
BRIAR ROSE
I am familiar with my own curse, thank you very much. And I was well on my way to waking up on my own, again, thank you very much. The curse clearly stated that I would sleep for a hundred years, there was nothing about needing a kiss.
PRINCE
(A bit deflated) Are you sure?
BRIAR ROSE
Very sure.
PRINCE
Not even just a quick peck? Maybe you just needed a tiny kiss.
BRIAR ROSE
Yeah, no.
PRINCE
Well, maybe that part was added to the legend. You know, you’ve been asleep a long time. People talk.
BRIAR ROSE
I don’t know how you get from ‘long sleep’ to needing a kiss to wake up.
PRINCE
Maybe they thought that way sounded more romantic. You know, those older generation were pretty nostalgic. After all, my grandfather was always going on about how things were so much better back in the 13th century. And your time must have been when my great-great-great-grandfather was ruling.
BRIAR ROSE
Thanks for rubbing it in.
PRINCE
What?
BRIAR ROSE
I feel so old!
PRINCE
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You look great for being a hundred years old.
BRIAR ROSE
I’m a hundred and… thirty!
(Begins to cry)
PRINCE
I thought you were supposed to prick your finger on your 18th birthday.
(Briar Rose cries harder.)
I’m sorry, I mean you don’t look a day over 18.
BRIAR ROSE
My father was worried about the curse, so we delayed celebrating my 18th birthday. When I turned 30, we thought we had outsmarted the curse.
PRINCE
So you celebrated your birthday?
BRIAR ROSE
Yes.
PRINCE
Wow.
BRIAR ROSE
What?
PRINCE
Well, I knew you’d be over a hundred, I just didn’t think you’d be thirty.
(Briar Rose starts crying again.)
No, sorry, I didn’t mean that. Hey, cheer up. With modern medicine, you have an excellent chance of living into your forties, maybe even fifties.
BRIAR ROSE
Really?
PRINCE
Certainly! And… I even like a more mature woman.
BRIAR ROSE
How old are you?
PRINCE
That is irrelevant. Anyway, my love-
BRIAR ROSE
Your love? You just met me.
PRINCE
Yes, but this is how the story goes. My love, now that I have sorta waken you, I offer you this rose, as token of my affections.
(Prince hands Briar Rose the rose.)
BRIAR ROSE
Well, it is very lovely. Ouch, I just pricked myself on a thorn. Oh no, here we go again. I’m getting sleepy, I’m sure of it. Everything is getting dark! I’m going to have to sleep for another hundred years. Look at what you’ve done!
(She swoons dramatically, but doesn’t fall asleep.)
PRINCE
Princess?
BRIAR ROSE
Yes?
PRINCE
Are you asleep?
BRIAR ROSE
Not yet.
PRINCE
(The Prince gives it a moment.)
How about now?
BRIAR ROSE
Ummm, no. (Sits up.) Ok, maybe I won’t fall asleep again, but that wasn’t a nice thing to do. I have some truly justified PTSD.
PRINCE
Sorry, no more flowers.
BRIAR ROSE
I didn’t say that. But it would be polite to make sure the thorns are removed.
PRINCE
Duly noted.
BRIAR ROSE
So, it’s really been a hundred years?
PRINCE
Yep, it’s 1355.
BRIAR ROSE
Wow. So what’s new?
PRINCE
You mean in the last hundred years? Well, a few years ago, a plague took out about a third of the population.
BRIAR ROSE
That’s awful.
PRINCE
Times are tough. Another war broke out, and really, with the way it’s going, this war feels like it might just last a hundred years.
BRIAR ROSE
I kinda wish I was still asleep.
PRINCE
Nonsense! You’re a princess and you’re awake, life is good. Now Princess (getting down on one knee) will you marry me and rule all the land with me?
BRIAR ROSE
The land that’s in a hundred year war?
PRINCE
Oh no, let the English and French deal with that.
BRIAR ROSE
What kingdom do you actually rule?
PRINCE
I rule (mumbles something incoherent).
BRIAR ROSE
I’m sorry, what was that?
PRINCE
I rule (mumbles again).
BRIAR ROSE
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.
PRINCE
Ok, I’m not a prince and I don’t rule anything.
BRIAR ROSE
You’re a fake! And you just expect me to go with you? Some guy, and I don’t even know your name, who isn’t even a real prince? And me, a princess. You are sorely mistaken mister!
PRINCE
Well, actually, you’re not a princess.
BRIAR ROSE
Why yes I am!
PRINCE
What I meant is that you’re not a princess anymore.
BRIAR ROSE
What?
PRINCE
Well, since you, and your whole family and everyone in this castle were sleeping, there wasn’t anyone to rule, so it was only a matter of time before a neighboring king came over and claimed these lands as his own.
BRIAR ROSE
Not King Humperdinck!
PRINCE
The very same.
BRIAR ROSE
Damn him to Hell.
PRINCE
He may well be there, he did die over eighty years ago. His descendants now rule the land. They actually do a pretty good job of it. There’s peace and prosperity.
BRIAR ROSE
Oh, that’s too bad.
PRINCE
Excuse me?
BRIAR ROSE
Well, it probably means that overthrowing the government would be unpopular.
PRINCE
Oh yeah, probably.
BRIAR ROSE
Do I at least get to keep the castle?
PRINCE
I’m sure. No one has set foot in this place till now. You know-
BRIAR ROSE and PRINCE
Because of the curse. (They laugh.)
BRIAR ROSE
Well, then I should thank you.
PRINCE
For what?
BRIAR ROSE
For coming here. For trying to wake me, even if it was unnecessary. No one else seemed to have cared.
PRINCE
You’re very welcome. And for the record, I think you don’t look a day over 18, 22 at most.
BRIAR ROSE
Thank you. And what is your name, kind sir?
PRINCE
Philip, but you can call me Phil, most people do.
BRIAR ROSE
It is an honor to meet you, Sir Phil. I am Briar Rose.
PRINCE
Really? Your name is Briar Rose?
BRIAR ROSE
Yes, my parents had a thing for flowers. They were also very specific.
PRINCE
It’s lovely.
BRIAR ROSE
You know, we now have to wake the castle.
PRINCE
What?
BRIAR ROSE
Everyone else in the castle is still asleep. We, or rather, I should say you, have to wake them.
PRINCE
I don’t understand.
BRIAR ROSE
Well my dear Sir Phil, you got your story half right. A kiss is needed to wake those in the castle, just not me. Princess loophole.
PRINCE
But, I…
BRIAR ROSE
Now come along, it’s time to be a hero. Pucker up, there’s a lot of kissing to do.
PRINCE
Oh dear.
BRIAR ROSE
You can start with grandfather and move on from there. Come on, you want to be a hero, don’t you?
PRINCE
Not that badly. (Long pause.) Oh, all right.
BRIAR ROSE
Got you! I was kidding. I’m pretty sure a cold bucket of water will wake everyone up.
PRINCE
I am so relieved.
BRIAR ROSE
Well, let’s grab a bucket and wake the kingdom. We’ll need all hands on deck to clean this place up, what with all the dust and dragon dung.
PRINCE
Wait, dragon dung?
BRIAR ROSE
Yes, from the dragon.
PRINCE
What dragon?
BRIAR ROSE
Are you telling me that you didn’t slay the dragon?
(A roar is heard offstage.)
BRIAR ROSE and PRINCE
Shit!
Lights out. The end.
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